I know, I know, I left a bit of a cliff hanger there last time. I had to keep you guys interested. It’s also too easy to get caught up in the past writing these, and I honestly needed a little bit of a break. I’m refreshed and ready to finish telling you how I managed to lose the girl of my dreams.
So, to Lisa, it mattered as it should have. She was a great woman that I didn’t deserve. After I blew off that first confrontation things were never the same. It only took a few more months for her to realize that she could do better and that I wasn’t going to change.
Addiction doesn’t always change your life; that’s the scary part. I was chugging along fine at work and home, I wasn’t combing the streets looking for drugs or injecting heroin. We have this strange idea of what addicts look like, and it isn’t your young, handsome doctor checking out your sprained ankle.
Lisa told me that she wasn’t going to marry a man with an addiction. I tried to tell her I wasn’t addicted, I had a legitimate anxiety disorder after all! But she didn’t hear it.
“If you can’t stop or slow down because I asked you too, then you can’t stop at all.”
“I can stop anytime I want to.” The ancient refrain of the classic addict.
“So you just don’t want to stop for me?”
“Either way, that’s it for me.”
What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t stop taking my medication for my mental problem, and it was crazy that she asked me to. At least, that’s how I felt at the time.
Now I realize that she just wanted me to get help. I was taking too much of a medication I was prescribing myself that was known to cause addiction. It was starting to take its toll on my health.
I was finding myself drowsy driving myself home from work, or dizzy at the strangest times. I took the drug whenever I felt I needed it and didn’t relate the way I felt after taking it to the high an addict gets. But that was what it was.
I was high all the time, and it felt good. When I wasn’t high, I didn’t feel right. But I was too thick in my own addiction to realize it.
Until it was almost too late.